A Marriage (Bed) Secret

My Top Twelve: As Lori and I cruise with the icebergs, I’m running a dozen of my favourite posts. Enjoy!

When I wrote this back in 2014 I originally called it “A secret the manosphere doesn’t know”. I think that was shortly after we had a bunch of those fellows show up in the comments and explain how they thought things should be.


Respected, secure wives who are living out their calling are way more fun in bed.

They have more fun, and they make it more fun for their husband. They’re more likely to seek out sex and more likely to push the limits. 

For women, sex isn’t a separate area of life. What happens in bed affects the rest of her life, and the rest of their life affects her sexuality. How a woman relates to and feels about their partner is particularly important. When a woman feels loved, respected, secure, protected, and empowered, she’s in a much better place to want and enjoy sex. A woman who feels good about her husband is looking for ways to show her gratitude, and when she learns sex is a good way to do that she’s all over it (and him).

A Marriage (Bed) Secret

I suspect much of the problem is cultural. While a husband can make it worse, odds are his wife was thoroughly messed up when he met her. Her self-image was distorted and she felt like a failure. She was convinced she wasn’t good enough to rate a husband, and her only hope was to hook one with sex. She may not have thought this consciously, but she likely acted on it none-the-less. Her husband-to-be went along with it, which she sees as confirmation he agrees with her about her lack of value and worth. 

Most women get married, have children, and become way too busy. Their lives shrink, and a small life is not a turn-on. She’s hungry for something but doesn’t know what. She does know sex isn’t filling the growing hole in her soul. Things which should bring her joy and pleasure don’t, and she becomes bitter. Even if she’s willing to have sex, she’s no fun in bed.

Getting her to “submit” to your every whim won’t make her feel better. Convincing her women are second-class citizens isn’t helpful. What she needs is to feel she has worth and value. She needs to know she has a calling. She needs to see the man she loves pushing her to do what God created her to do. She needs to see him working to make it possible for her to fulfil her calling. She needs him to validate what she does and be proud of her when she moves in the gifts God has given her. When she knows he’s on her side, she will be all about him being on top of her… or under her… or…

When a woman feels good about herself and her marriage, sex comes naturally. Even if she’s been abused or filled with anti-sex lies she will grow to feel sexy and to desire sex. If your wife doesn’t want sex, she doesn’t feel good about herself, her marriage, or both. Please know I’m not putting the blame for this on husbands. As I said, society has set her up for failure. Changing things will require you to act. If you just go along with the flow you’re not helping. In fact, it makes it look like you agree; agree she has no real value.

Start challenging your wife’s opinion of herself. Stand against the lies the world tells her. Encourage her to find her passion and grow into her gifts. Be ready to sacrifice to help her live her calling. Aside from being the godly and loving thing to do, these actions will help your marriage and your sex life. It’s going to take time, but as she starts to live the life God intended her to live she is going to change in many ways. 

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