I’ll admit it. I was a nice guy for most of my life.
Now, I’m not talking about being a literal nice guy. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
But the “I do everything right, why doesn’t she like me?” nice guy. The “why do girls only like jerks?” nice guy. The “damn, nice guys always finish last” nice guy. Yeah, I’m not gonna lie. I had a lot of that in me. It was whack.
Don’t get me wrong, though; this doesn’t mean I turned into an “asshole” or whatever caricature of a man we’ve decided to make the antithesis of a nice guy. The choice isn’t binary like that. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.
But if you’re the type who regularly finds his nice guy ways to be an impediment to success, and you’re wondering what’s wrong with everyone else, I’m here to tell you: It’s not them, it’s you, bro.
Luckily, your boy ain’t got them problems no more, which means things can definitely be fixed. So, take it from somebody who had to figure it out the hard way.
These are the five things you have to realize:
1. Nobody owes you anything.
That’s the first thing you absolutely have to get rid of: this idea that being nice entitles you to a woman’s affection.
There’s no rubric that you fill out with certain qualities that are sure to land you the person you want. There’s no bingo card, either. There’s no set formula.
And I know someone might’ve told you that you have to follow a certain set of rules to win the game at the end, but it doesn’t work like that.
Woman have this thing called personalities, and you have to figure out how to appeal to each one. If you can’t, it probably means you weren’t a good fit for someone, in which case, it’s better you drop it anyway.
That’s real life.
2. Too much nice can scare girls away.
If your idea of fulfilling the nice guy role is being super caring, super considerate and super kind, just know that what you’re doing can be a turn off.
If you’re doing that early in the process of trying to win a woman over, what you’re probably saying is “I really, really want you and will be heartbroken if I don’t get you.”
The problem with being the cliché nice guy is that much of it just involves caring too damn much and too damn early. And after consulting some female friends, I’m convinced they can sense when a guy cares too much, so they take a little step back to not hurt that guy’s feelings.
So chill out.
In reality, what you should probably be saying is, “I’m definitely attracted to you, but I know nothing about you, so let’s see where this goes.”
And there are generally three things that can happen when women go for the guy who’s just trying to see where things go:
1. Things don’t work out, and she shrugs it off.
2. She has a little fun, but for a short period of time, and still shrugs it off, but with a little disappointment.
3. She gets pleasantly surprised with someone she wants to care about as time goes on.
3. You’ve gotta offer something beyond nice, or else you just come off corny.
Hey, don’t take that personally. You’re speaking to the corniest of the corny right now (just don’t tell anyone, been trying to hide it).
But yeah, this is another one: You can’t just have nice to your name. Anybody can do that. Where’s the quality that’ll give someone a sense of urgency to have you to herself? What’s the thing that’ll give a woman a sense of intrigue about you?
Without those things, it’s a wrap for you.
I’d also like to add that being nice doesn’t compensate for you being a wimp. You can’t just be like, “Yeah, I don’t know how to spit game, I can’t dress, I got no swag and I’m too scared to make a move, but I’m a nice guy who will call every night #tho.”
That — on its own — is just corny.
4. Being nice might just be making you an asshole.
This is actually something that is very easy to miss about yourself: Being the “nice” one can often involve thinking you’re better than certain people.
Remember, we’re talking about the nice guy who laments the idea that women can’t appreciate a good thing and always mess around with those guys.
And if you can’t possibly fathom what women might see in those guys — or, in other words, guys who aren’t like you — that’s pretty arrogant, isn’t it?
There’s no way around it. The idea that you’ve met a certain standard of niceness, and are therefore worthy of winning women over, will ultimately lead you to believe that others are unworthy.
That’s being judgmental. And when you act like you’re better than other man because you’re so nice? Yeah, that’s being pretentious.
Both of those are sometimes worse than the traits you think all the “assholes” have.
5. There’s a big difference between nice and respectful.
You really don’t owe any woman anything but respect.
That doesn’t mean thinking the world of someone or treating every girl like a queen. Just being respectful is all you need to not look like a jerk.
Mind you, not being a jerk is the bare minimum. That’s why being a nice guy is not enough, and giving a girl some great amount of love and reverence alone isn’t enough.
And to be honest, unless we’re talking about a girl who you’re convinced is “the one,” you probably shouldn’t even be giving someone all that love and reverence off the rip, anyway.
But that’s neither here nor there.
Anyway, if you’re a “nice guy” — indulging so far into your nice guy-ness that you can’t tell why some women wouldn’t want a nice guy — just know: You’re playing yourself.
Subscribe to Elite Daily’s official newsletter, The Edge, for more stories you don’t want to miss.